Monday 12 March 2012

Great-Granny Was a Ninja

Last Thursday saw International Women's Day grace our calendar. I have mixed feelings about this. I like that it's an ear-marked moment to celebrate the distance women have travelled on the journey of female empowerment in the last century, but I also find it depressing that in this day and age there are still so many women across the globe who have such a raw deal that we need a 'day' to recognise their struggle against, and the achievements made in the face of, extreme subjugation, oppression, and misinformation. [A sobering fact: 1 billion women globally are the victims of violence against them. That's one in three].

I am fortunate to come from a long line of stellar feminists (and by feminist I do NOT mean crazed ball-crushers intent on the emasculation of men and the toppling of the patriarchy, but people who view women and men as equals in both opinion and worth). My mother, an architect, both worked and looked after my sister and I. We grew up playing on building sites in piles of orange sand and drawing on the floor beside her with fine-liners and cool, curvy rulers. Though she undoubtedly turned her back on large, high profile projects in order to be at home with us, she did so because she chose to. There is a fabulous picture that hangs in her office showing a group of kick-ass women gathered around a drawing board. It was the early '70s and they'd formed a company called Women in Architecture. My mum is right in the middle, beautiful, empowered, bucking the male-dominated system, shouting loud-and-proud that women can do this work shit too. My great-grandmother was the first woman to qualify as an optician in the UK back in the late 19th century. My grandmother - also an optician - worked full-time until she was 84, at which point she lost her sight (oh, cruel irony) and was forced to stop. My sister and I grew up in a feminist environment, but it was never spoken of in those terms, it wasn't labelled. It was a pervasive atmosphere that surrounded us as we developed, an unspoken given that if it was possible for a human to do it there was no reason why we couldn't do it. Application, hard-graft, a little luck, and all things were possible. Gender never came into it. I got a pretty hefty shock, therefore, when I moved from my girls' school to a mixed sixth form and then on to university, and began to hear expressions like: 'That's not bad...for a girl'. There are other statements that grate, of course. Here follows a few of the worst:

"Girls can't throw." Girls CAN throw! You just have to teach them. Children learn by watching their parents. Boys aren't born knowing how to throw. Dads take their sons into the park or garden with a ball as soon as the kid can sit up. They're out there, day-in/day-out, throwing, catching, praising, criticising, giving tips, demonstrating, teaching, if not consciously then subconsciously. Once, a friend of mine - surprised I could throw -  said he thought it was physiologically impossible for a girl to throw: 'Because of their boobs...' WTF?!! Dads, throw a ball to your daughter. If she picks it up and throws it back she wants to learn. Teach her. If she looks at the ball like it's an alien covered in snot it's likely she's not that bothered. Let her go back inside and put on a tutu if she wants, don't force her, but my suggestion is teach her anyway. Even if it's just an hour one weekend, it can't hurt to learn the mechanics of it.

"Women aren't funny." If I hear someone say this I will tie them to a chair, wedge their eyes open with matchsticks, and throw funny at them until they laugh, or I die trying. 'Women aren't funny' because men aren't that bothered about funny, most of them tend to prefer breasts and vaginas, and when push comes to thrust, laughing is low on their agenda. This has been so since prehistoric times: 'Wo-man has va-gi-na, man not care a-bout laugh.' Men clap when women take their clothes off. This is why there are more women strippers than male. But just like men can strip, women can be funny. Women are a more generous audience than men when it comes to laughing. We went to a comedy club recently and there was a man on stage who was dire. The men in our group sat there, folded arms, giving nothing. The women forced out laughs because we didn't want to hurt his feelings. Men have had hundreds of thousands of years of this ego-bolstering. I mean, truthfully, how many times have you sat next to the dullest man on earth and politely laughed at his rubbish? If a man thinks a woman is dull he stares at her breasts. If she's still dull, even with the breasts, his eyes will wander off to find a different pair of breasts to stare at. Keep on with the funny, girls. Even if it's not always top of the list, most men love a funny woman...as long as she also has a vagina of course.

"Another girl? Oh...I am sorry." You wouldn't believe the number of people who said something along these lines when our third daughter was born. I cannot begin to articulate how much this kind of comment angers me. A couple of years ago, Mr J said to me: 'Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm upset I don't have a son? What could be better than to be surrounded by four beautiful ladies who love me?' Bless him for this.

"Brazilian or Hollywood?" I'm jumping onto the Caitlin Moran/Anna Richardson (The Sex Education Show) soap-box here, but my goodness I feel blood-boilingly strongly about this. TEENAGE GIRLS ARE REMOVING THEIR PUBIC HAIR BECAUSE TEENAGE BOYS THINK PUBIC HAIR ON GIRLS IS ABNORMAL. Teenage boys have been taught this. This is akin to some American schools denying evolution and teaching that the world was made in a matter of days by an omnipotent Being who also buried dinosaur bones to confuse us. Boys have not learnt this at school or from parents, but from grubby porn directors on the internet, the type of slimy bloke you'd cross the street to avoid. Aside from abuse, I can think of little more damaging for a girl's sexual self-esteem than if she's about to have sex for the first time, takes off her underwear, and sees her boyfriend recoil in disgusted horror at the hairy gargoyle leering at him from between her legs. Mothers, I beg you, you owe it to our daughters, to your fellow human beings, to the SISTERHOOD, to tell your sons that a gorgeous, womanly bush is normal and the sign of a sexually-mature girl. Bare bots are for children. Girls, trim it, shape it, give it a fucking perm if needs be, but do it because you want to and WEAR YOUR HAIR WITH PRIDE.

And lastly. The classic, leather-armchaired 'gentlemen's club' clap-trap. "Women are the weaker sex." This actually merits no more than an impolite 'fuck off', but for blog's sake, I'll be more verbose. It is absolutely NOT okay for us to perpetuate male superiority over womanhood. I love men, really, I do. I love my husband, my dad and my friends, and Jared Leto and Damian Lewis and Moriarty from Sherlock, but men are not our superiors. Men are, after all, creatures who freely and happily admit to thinking about sex every ten seconds. All day, every day, every ten seconds. Picture Obama considering whether or not to invade Iran or Cameron and Clegg debating university fees or Trevor Macdonald reading the news. All of them apparently simultaneously thinking about boffing. Every ten seconds. That's a serious amount of time spent drifting off-topic onto something technically not on the job description. Women don't give over the same headspace to the consideration of rutting and this is in our favour. We are talented, creative, intelligent, funny, tough, gentle souls, who can also give birth, nurture, and love unconditionally. ALL of us - unless told otherwise - are perfectly capable of driving in all weathers. We can fix a shelf and change a light bulb, boil an egg and read a book. We can even make a nativity costume out of loo rolls and tin foil. If you tell a child they cannot do something, they will believe you. Women rock. Tell your daughters they rock. Tell your daughters they can do anything they want to. In the long-term it will help. In the long-term we might not need International Women's Day to remind us we're fully paid-up, equally valued, equally wonderful, citizens of this planet.

22 comments:

  1. I agree completely. I have a son and a daughter and if they were not treated the same at school or not given the same opportunities in life just because one will eventually wear a bra, I would be horrified!

    I am horrified and saddened and yet at the same time not entirely surprised about the brazilian question. I am constantly amazed by what my 7 year old does with a computer and know that it won't be long before she stumbles upon something not suitable. Parental controls are on but I clearly need to learn more. Maybe there is a course to teach non-computerised parents how to protect computerised children from the pc! The internet, the television, the cinema and magazines are all to blame for putting too much pressure on girls. I am shit scared of my little girl growing up. The main reason being I know what is on boys minds and is not funny now that I am a father.

    My daughter can do everything that my son can do, in fact she taught him most of it. She builds lego, said broom broom at a very early stage and likes something called football! I throw and kick balls with her, show her how to do DIY and am teaching her how to cook, no, that is not stereo typing, just giving her a good start. I am horrified by just how little young people know. I met a group of school leavers recently and 9 out of twelve did not know how to make a bed or change a duvet or pillow case!

    I agree with everything you say, however I will just add that the classic, leather-armchaired "gentlemens' club" opinion has changed. At least it has in the one that I work in!

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    1. Ed, you are wonderful. I would love to be your daughter. I'm sure along with the thrwing, the DIY, and the cooking, you are also more than taking care of her 'funny'. She, and her brother, are lucky to have you as their daddy. Though, I'll reserve judgement on the 'gentlemen's club' until I've seen it with my own eyes..! xx

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  2. agreed, agreed, agreed! easy NOT to think of a lot of these issues, (especially the sexualisation/pornification stuff, when you have only boys. but little boys become big boys, and before they are Of That Age i need to figure out how best to equip them with the right mindset and attitudes. yikes, scary stuff. right now i'm sticking my head in the sand, enjoying the fact that they are pretty oblivious to girl/boy stereotypes (which i think they genuinely are, for the most part, at this age) and hoping that sometime soon someone will hand me a feminist handbook for prepubescent boys (fancy a bit of non-fiction, amanda? i bet there's a market for that very book!) xx

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    1. Actually, that's a VERY good idea for a book... would give me an excuse to rant for 100 pages. *ahhhhhhhhhhhh....lovely*. x

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  3. Amanda, in my humble opinion this is probably the most brilliant bit of ranting rhetoric I have read in a good while. It should be read to all school age girls (and a few grown up girls I can think of) ass part of the national cirriculum. Brilliant insightfulness that reassures me that I am on the right track and that maybe, as the Mum of 3 boys I may be able to equip therm to choose girlfriends/ wives/ boyfriends from a similar mindset.
    It should be national women's generation. Power to the ladies.
    Katherine aka feisty spice xx

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    1. You are too cool, oh Feisty one (loving the wives/girlfriends/boyfriends) and many thanks for your' humble opinion' which is anything but. x

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  4. This is just brilliant - move over Caitlin!

    Btw, today's the day they published my post

    http://www.caitlinmoran.co.uk/index.php/2012/03/sisters-are-doing-it-to-themselves/

    But I wish I had written something half as good as yours above....

    Your mum and grandmothers sound very cool, very inspiring and pioneering!

    Sx

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    2. Hey Sarah
      Just read your post and it's fab! And you make some great points. I tend to deny female antagonism, or at least shove my head in the sand and pretend it doesn't happen. I'll comment fully on your post though. Thanks for the lovely compliments re the post, very kind of you, and totally supportive!!

      I just had a chat with my gran, who is now 97, and she said it was 'very unusual for women to work when I was young. We just got married. But my father said "It's important you have your own money, and that you can support yourself"', and encouraged her to go to university, which she said 'was a very odd thing to do in those days'. Brilliant. I told her it was thanks to the likes of her and her mum that we are able to have the life we have now. She said she didn't know about that, but that she loved every minute of her working life. ;-))

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  5. Brilliant! I remember having one of those infuriating arguements at University about the fact that girls were 'no good' at sport WTF - and so many girls agreed - urgh - such an uphill battle for so long! Also, as influential as the women in the family are, it's also down to a Dad who believed we could do or be anyone - never once have I heard a chauvinistic remark from him.

    And yet, in spite of all this and having just read Sarah Miles' post:

    http://www.caitlinmoran.co.uk/index.php/2012/03/sisters-are-doing-it-to-themselves/

    I still have both mother's guilt and self doubt!

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    1. NOW I FEEL BAD!!!

      Dad - though my post was centred around the women in our famiy, due to International Women's Day, Melissa is absolutely right. You are an amazing father, and at all points we felt supported, loved and encouraged by you. Your influence on us is as important as anyone's, and I especially credit you with bringing on and developing our senses of humour...all those fab hours spent watching Black Adder, Monty Python, and Fawlty Towers, and all those in depth debates on everything from food to education to ethics and beyond. I promise to do a post very soon on the wonderousness of men...you will feature prominently, I promise!!!

      And Melissa - leave the guilt and self-doubt at the door. Think of everything you've achieved in the last decade. x

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  6. Great post Manda as always. But I wonder if more of our energies need to go to women in harsh circumstances. The world is our daughters' in so many ways but they are v fortunate (except for their rackety mums, obvs). Cathy x

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    1. Gosh, of course! This post isn't intended to put the, quite frankly non-existent, plight of my daughters above those women around the world who suffer in unimaginable ways. To be honest, the post is more intended to poke fun at the ridiculous comments that pervade our everyday lives, comments so silly that they should be quashed with a simple, direct dismissal. Sadly, the horrors that some women who have none of our safety and prospect are less easily dealt with, less easily dismissed. One thing I will say though, and using the progress of female emancipation over the last 100 years as a yard-stick, is that the closer we can move towards total equality in the Western world, the more likely it is that future generations can alter the world as a whole. This post offers no solutions, merely glib observations, and is intended to do no more than raise a wry smile or two. Proferring a solution to the global issue of female empowerment and subjugation would require a few more pages.
      Ax
      xx

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  7. OH YESSSSS!!!!

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  8. Once again, a joy to read, Mrs J and a fabulous issue to highlight - thank you! And here are a few things I might note, if not impertinent to do so? 1. There is also an international men's day; 19 November, I believe. Arguably, though, despite each having a day of our own to mark the import of our gender, this day is more able to be celebrated than used as a day to highlight inequalities - and therein lies the difference to which you refer. 2. As you've already noted, context is important and gender will be more or less challenging as a barrier to equality in different environments. In that regard, my own view is that education - particularly of girls - around the world is the most important thing for the sake of equality and women's experiences. (And for anyone concerned, I am not suggesting that education for boys is not important.) 3. Sue Perkins isn't funny. But then, neither is Andy Parsons. Or Mickey Flannigan. Or the big unfunny giant who plays the teacher in the In-betweeners (who also lives on our square). 4. My husband can't catch OR throw. I, on the other hand, am ace at both. (He read this and said "I can catch and throw, I am just distinctly average at best." Awwww, bless...)5. We love your third daughter so very much and feel privileged to have her in this world (along with the other two). 6. We are due to have our second girl in four months' time. We are so damned excited about meeting her, we can barely flippin' wait.

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    1. Oh yes, education, in my humble opinion as well, is the key to all. If not the solution, then absoutely contributory to providing a solution. Equality in this country has been facilitated by educating women. Like my ninja great-gran, for example. She knew that education was essential for herself, and also for her daughter, my granny, and she and her husband insisted my gran went to university...very unusual in 1915 according to my gran. It was education, and the associated feelings of welf-worth and self-opinion, that helped enable our vote, the potential to work, wear fecking trousers ffs, fly a plane, head up companies as well as families, blimey, just to sit around a table after supper, in the same room as men, and debate. Retiring to leave the men to discuss politics? Fuck that.

      We can't wait to meet your little lady too. How lucky to have you and Mr H as parents. Perhaps she will be the one to sort out the issue of providing adequate global educational for all. Fingers crossed, eh?

      xx

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  9. Your antecedents are utterly amazing (including by all accounts above, your lovely dad :). What an inspiring and interesting collection of women! And education is a real point of passionate discussion in this house. It is so vital to making the most of one's life, to being empowered regardless of background or resources of your own, and to feeling as though anything can be achieved. I must say, the overwhelmingly depressing state of State education in Blighty (and its effects) is all exhaustingly sad, particularly despite the financial resources available in a place such as this for things such as these. And yes, it will be exciting to see what the littlest Holden decides to become. Most of all, we hope she is healthy and happy. And educated well and empowered to do whatever she wishes to do? Well, that would be nice too :)

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  10. I LOVE that: Girls CAN throw. Here here! My Mum and Dad both threw and caught balls with Sis and I from as soon as we could hold a ball and sit upright. Now Mum was as important in this because she was the wicket keeper (yep cricket) for England in her day, Captained 'The Rest' and was a mean county tennis player to boot. So she knew how to catch a damn ball and to bowl it too! She also knew about competing in a 'man's world in a man's sport - lets face it cricket is still considered a man's sport. So she and Dad (a county cricketer and all round sporting nut) made sure their girls could do as well as, if not better than their boy playmates - competitive parents :)

    I also grew up in a house where my Mum worked full time, a successful career in education (University) managed a home and brought us up. My sis and I grew up expecting to do it all if we wanted to, and sis has passed that same experience/confidence onto her daughter (who rowed for GB at 16).

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    1. Hi Rosalind, thanks for your fab comment. Your mum played cricket for England - that's SO cool. That must have required a thick skin, I bet...I can just imagine some of those establishment male cricket boys having a word or two to say about women's international cricket. Your neice too... amazing. Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment, and share your views. Much appreciated!

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  11. Great blog AJ and I'm feeling empowered. My grandmothers - modestly educated and without professional careers, undoubtedly strong, funny, proud and beautiful. However, probably told far too often that they were not capable, but not before tea had been served! x

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  12. very funny my favorite often heard female slight is, a male junior nurse on his first day at work in a white coat will be refered to as doctor while a hugely experienced and highly qualified female doctor wearing the same white coat.....nurse!

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